While You Were Sleeping

So I have this idea, and it basically goes as follows: we’re going to pretend I haven’t completely spaced for the last couple of months. Instead, we’ll pretend that you (meaning everyone who isn’t me) has been in a coma, and I’ve had all this really fun stuff going on, like riding around in furniture moving vans and getting snow globes with Florence in them and accidentally falling in love with your brother—wait, that’s a spoiler, but seriously we all saw it coming—and everything else that happens in that Sandra Bullock movie, and I’ve been trying to tell you but I haven’t been able to because you have been in a coma. Which is why there haven’t been any blog posts. Because you have been sleeping.

So that’s settled.

The question now is, what have I been doing while you’ve been sleeping? How have I been spending my time, what memories have I stored up to tell you? And now I’m talking about things that have happened to me and not Sandra Bullock.

Well, first (things first I’m the realest)—no, stop, enough. Starting over: firstly, I graduated! …Technically. I’m not having a ceremony, but I’ve finished my work for the year and my diploma says May 31st, so I think therefore we can say I am a graduate.

[insert some sort of confetti]

Let the uninhibited dorm shopping commence.

Other things that happened:

I got my class schedule for my first semester of college, went into complete and total panic mode, spent an entire day hammering out a four year plan for my degree, decided to drop sociology (which I’d never wanted in the first place), and now I feel better. College is scary, guys—I alternate between feeling excited and like I can’t do it. It’s gotten to the point where I start getting stressed as soon as I start thinking of any reality of college life (i.e. finals), so I just concentrate on the things I need to buy and how amazing my book lists are. The problem with having absolutely massive goals is that there’s so much more self-imposed pressure, and while I know I’ll be able to handle it when I’m actually living it, the thought of it right now just crushes me under a mountain of self-doubt and makes the pre-college jitters incredibly overwhelming. I cannot fail. But I will fail. But I can’t. I’m going to die.

I went to Florida! We go periodically to see my grandparents, and we had an especially great trip this summer because we actually got out and did things and made the most of it… Family is always hard; there is no such thing as a family that isn’t at least sort of dysfunctional, but we had a good time despite the arguments. I am amazing at Mah Jongg, in case anyone was wondering—probably because I’m a hundred years old, but who asked you.

IMG_4489I had my final orchestra concert, got slightly choked up, then realized I wasn’t leaving my conductor just yet since he’s also my cello teacher, and managed to force it down. Still, it’s odd without orchestra… Solo work is great, but I don’t know. I’m itching for August so I can start up again. Though I don’t look forward to chair placement. Can’t you just stick me somewhere without having to listen to me play solo? (Also, somehow I managed to get a little scholarship money with my completely mediocre playing. My college is nice to me.)

Finished 30 Rock. [insert large amounts of sobbing and yells of “MY LIFE IS OVER”]

Then I started Battlestar Galactica, so now I watch copious amounts of that. (Look, I promise I don’t watch as much TV as it sounds like. Or I won’t, anyway, when I have a life. Which I WILL. Soon. At some point. [Somebody please be my friend.])

I read a decent amount of books (if you aren’t following me on Goodreads you are an official loser also I refuse to be blamed for not catering to your laziness because I haven’t updated my 40 books page ugh gosh). I think I liked them all. Kurt Vonnegut is super excellent.

I went on a retreat before my vacation and experienced many emotions, as you do. I don’t really like myself very much, which was a hard realization for me, but I needed to understand that I can’t just fix myself, I have to love myself in the process. And I need to quit being so negative—seriously. It’s been hard, but at the very least I am trying. There’s not much else I can do.

Ummm, what else…

I ate a salad today. I know, health nut over here.

The truth is, guys, my life is not very exciting, as much as I wish it were. And part of why I find it hard to blog is because I feel like I should have something to talk about and I honestly don’t—half my posts feel like cop-outs. I want to be funny and engaging and I love writing here, but it’s difficult when a) I feel like my life is really pathetic and I’m just waiting around like Rapunzel to actually go and do stuff, and b) I’m too ‘busy’ doing completely nothing to think up something to write, and c) I have to battle feelings of inadequacy 90% of the time, and it’s unfun. I’ll do my best to change that. I do honestly want to keep this blog up in college, so don’t think I’m giving up on you. Just forgive me if I disappear every so often. It’s hard to get a grip on this emotional rollercoaster sometimes.

Thankfully I have been making summer plans, so hopefully I will actually have fun stuff to write about in the coming months. For now, I need sleep.

Thanks for sticking around with me, guys. Means a lot.