I’ve often thought that the ‘special skills’ section on resumés and applications should be much less narrow than it is. Relevant special skills are old hat—I have loads of random talents that are going to get me nowhere in life and you should hire me because of them.
- the ability to wake up and resemble a blonde and bespectacled Morticia Addams.
- a highly sought after encyclopedic knowledge of Broadway show tunes/random 80s music, such that anything you say can and will be transformed into a vaguely off-key rendition of the relevant song
- see also: encyclopedic knowledge of commercial jingles/ancient TV theme tunes
- a fondness for passive voice (obviously)
- (and parentheses)
- the most amazing pout face you will ever see.
- psychic powers to predict what you’re going to say 50% of the time
- an uncanny ability to wrongly predict what you’re going to say 50% of the time and be disappointed about it
- “amazing” dance moves
- rollercoaster emotions that are less like a rollercoaster and more like one of those tower, free-fall ride things (i.e. the froghopper)
- that one time I missed a question on SmartyPants about James Joyce because I am a complete failure at aiming a wii remote this isn’t much of a skill
- the ability to fall down the stairs much more than the average person
- the ability to look 17 while actually being 90 years old
- the ability to freak out about homework you have coming up for three weeks, forget about it after it’s actually been assigned, and then scramble and half-dash it all the night before it’s due
- the ability to whine about everything (“It takes a genius to whine appealingly.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald)
- sock slide prowess
- falling over prowess
- an annoying habit of pluralizing everything that ends in ‘us’ by changing it to ‘i’—also, ‘is’ to ‘es’ (blame Latin, not me)—even when it’s not correct
- saying “I need to do something about my hair” every day, then going to do nothing about my hair, ever
- terrible sleep habits
- excessive clumsiness
- the ability to ingest 5 cups of caffeinated coffee/tea in one day and still remain a zombie
- faulty brain wiring that makes bad ideas look like really excellent ones. (ESSIE, I know, I need you to leave the children you’re babysitting with my brother and drive me to the bookstore even though my mom—and your mom—will flip that we left them and drove by ourselves to get my mom a birthday present because I forgot until today while she’s out of the house she will be so touched yes this is foolproof) (Note: attempted to pitch this to Essie two days ago. She said no.)
- can sometimes identify composers while listening to classical music on the radio
- being right once and so proclaiming myself infallible
- being wrong once and still sticking to the claim. “I’m right unless proven wrong. Always. Unless I’m not. But I always am, so.”
- never being sure how to spell ‘dependent’ or ‘relevant’ (though I may have figured it out, finally)
- constant grumpiness that almost never goes away and can be brought to the forefront by the tiniest thing
- the ability to complain about something while doing the exact same thing myself
- the foolish idea that you can wear the same clothes three days in a row without anyone noticing. (But I’m going somewhere different today.)
- the ability to nap just about anywhere. (The carpet is actually pretty comfy, no lie.)
- a fondness for naming as-of-yet-unnamed childhood toys as they are rediscovered after really obscure, nerdy characters or classical composers—hence, Chekov, Ismene, Schubert.
And most importantly at all, a special skill that might actually be useful:
- the ability to just pretend I know what I’m talking/doing about until I actually do. Basically—fake it ’til you make it. Excellent life-schlepping advice from one who obviously has it all together.
Disclaimer: please don’t take life advice from me. Thanks.