In Which My Pants are Too Posh and I Pretend You’re All Nosy

I was going to do something productive and meaningful this afternoon, but my brother turned on Top Gear and I was productive enough this morning (I worked out, practiced, finished a paper, took a nap)—so I decided to at least pretend to do something meaningful by writing this blog post.

Which would be great if this were actually a meaningful post, but it really isn’t going to be. I just want to tell you an anecdote about the pants I’m currently wearing and then just sort of dump a bunch of things I’m currently into on you in the hopes that you’ll care/be remotely interested.

So my mom bought me these red pants at Eddie Bauer on sale, and I kind of really like them, but while I was raving to an English friend about how ‘very super trendy I am I’m going to die’, he told me that wearing red pants was basically the poshest thing I could do. (The concept of ‘posh’ is vaguely ridiculous to me, but oh well.) I made a bunch of jokes about being too posh for everyone, but then I remembered that these pants were actually very expensive (but they were bought on sale, so it’s remotely better) and therefore I now feel ridiculous in my bright red, far too posh pants. I don’t really care, though, because in addition to being too posh, they’re also too fun—I want more, in different colors. I want a rainbow of posh pants. Because like I said, posh is a ridiculous concept and I live in America, darn it. I can get away with this.

Yeah, no, so I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me either. I’m also scared I’m turning into a hipster, but we’re not going to go there.

Anyway Stuff I Like or Am Endeavoring Through or Whatever
I Need a Name For This

Currently listening to: Marina and the Diamonds.

Yeah, I literally have no idea how this happened, but I listened to one song by Marina and the Diamonds and now am irrevocably hooked. I’m not a fan of her second album, but I’ve been listening to The Family Jewels on repeat for probably a month now and it’s still just as great as the first day. Her lyrics are so clever. I really can’t explain it—my music tastes are getting stranger and stranger. (But let’s call it eclectic, to be nice.)

Disclaimer: the video’s a bit weird, but it’s the lesser of two evils. It was this or a pitched, fan-made lyric video (with possibly misspelled lyrics or bad grammar—ugh), so if you’re concerned, just minimize the page while the song plays.

Currently reading: The Violent Bear It Away by Flannery O’Connor.

I’m about ten pages in, so I can’t properly give any sort of judgment yet, but I’m hoping it doesn’t disappoint. I know Flannery O’Connor is less than cheery (that’s a bit of an understatement), but I also know she’s a phenomenal writer, and I’ve been looking forward to reading her work for ages—and now I’ve finally gotten around to it.

Currently watching: Castle

Or would be watching if I could get off my lazy butt and get to the library to rent the DVDs—so far I’ve just been catching episodes out of sequence as they air on TV, which was enough to get me hooked on the show and annoyed that I’ve not been getting the entire story in order. I love the characters, the writing, the relationships… And Nathan Fillion, I mean, come on.

Currently working on: a hat with storm troopers on it for an 8 year old boy who undoubtedly will not appreciate the amount of effort I put into it. 😛

photo 1

 To be perfectly fair, I’m not technically ‘working’ on it any more, as I finally finished it on Thursday—fleece lining and all. I’m quite pleased with it, even though it did induce me to borrow a technique of John Green and invent swear words from the name of famous authors. “Curse the bloody, Charlotte Brontë-ing thing!”

photo 2Currently playing: Carmen!

Schubert and Bach as well, and while I love them, sometimes you just have to revel in the awesome that is Carmen. I won’t link to it, but if you have Spotify, just look up Carmen, Suite I, and listen all the way through. It’s so worth it.

Currently lacking: sleep.

So I’m going to go get on that. I don’t know how it managed to get to twenty-til-two without my noticing, but I stayed up too late last night and didn’t intend to repeat the experience… Oops.

Tell me what you’ve been up to in the comments! I love hearing from you guys. 🙂

Best wishes,
Hero

As I Go Headfirst Down the Stairs

In this dimly lit study I drink my coffee and peer creepily at the cars rolling down the street, essentially ignoring all forms of  actual study. To my left are two papal encyclicals (that I’ve finished reading, thank goodness); to my right is another that is as of yet unread, but needs to be by Thursday… In front of me a book of Plato’s Dialogues, Greek Tragedies, and Boethius’ The Consolation of Philosophy, along with my notebooks and my folders for Driver’s Ed.

My elbow rests on my orchestra paperwork, reminding me that I still have four études, a scale, and half a solo (it should be the whole solo, but I’m hopeless) to practice on my cello, who waits patiently upstairs completely surrounded with sheet music.

Amid all this, I write a blog post and blink sullenly with the Beatles blaring in the background. It seems that when I have only a little bit of work to do, I view it as less important and so I put it off. But then when it piles up I stress to the point where I am just drowning in it so I banish it from my mind and don’t do it either.

It’s kind of a lose-lose situation.

[Enter many hours later.]

Oh. Also. I procrastinate on my methods of procrastination. For instance, this blog post! Yeah, I’m basically the worst. I also can’t remember what my original purpose in writing was.

*thinks*

Right. I’m stressed. My mom also does this uncanny thing where she walks in and starts scolding me for not working on something that I’ve actually been working on and freaking out about already. The thing is, I’m very self-regulated, and chances are that by the time you have to nag me to do something, I’ve been guilt-tripping myself over it for hours. I seem to live my life in constant panic mode.

This is something I’ve noticed recently, specifically with cello: I am a hugely tense person. I got a new cello teacher and he frequently does this thing where he looks over and goes, “Just relax your arms! No – no! Relax!” or “You remind me of how I used to be, you keep all your tension right in your jaw… Let it go.” “But I have to tense somewhere!” “No. You don’t.”

*insert feeble excuse here*

Physically, I am tense. I wake up every morning with an aching back because I clench my muscles while I sleep. I can’t just sit still; I’m jittery. I fiddle with everything – I was on a Skype call with my friend Sarah and I realized that within the space of ten minutes I’d pressed all the buttons on my calculator, turned my phone on and off six times, played with my watch, flipped through a book, spun all the buttons on my shirt around both clockwise and counterclockwise, pulled my purity ring off my finger and put it back on more times than I could count… I am physically incapable of relaxing.

I’m the same way emotionally, too. I worry incessantly – about me, what I’m doing, my life, my decisions, my failures, the amount of work I have to do… worry worry worry. I worry about other people – I have a friend who every single time he goes to a party or out at all, really, I spend the entire time wringing my hands and thinking he’s going to end up dead in a ditch or something. I’m serious! It’s constant. If I can worry about it, I will worry about it. It eats me up, my heart basically gets completely wrung out every time someone takes longer than usual to respond to a text message or I have to say something awkward to them or I think they’re upset. I’m basically a mother hen who kind of just herds all her chicks and has a complete aneurysm every time one of them is even vaguely sort of possibly out of sorts. (At art camp they called me Dorm Mom because I immediately fell into the mother position and started snapping at everyone and keeping them in line. I’m “Mumsy” to a number of my friends because I’m such a Mom about EVERYTHING.)

Overall in my life, I am happy. I stress about the work I’m doing, but ultimately I’m doing the work because I love it. Greek philosophy and drama? I’m in love with it. Cello? Same. I worry about myself and my life because I want to make sure I’m doing things that are good and true and beautiful. I worry about my friends because I love them more than life – and surely that’s a good thing?

And my restless leg syndrome is probably due to the excessive amounts of coffee I consume daily and my failure to have a normal sleep schedule. 😉 No one to blame but myself.

Even though sometimes I feel like I’m flailing and falling headfirst down the stairs, ultimately I am having one of the best summers I have ever had, with the best friends I could possibly ask for, doing everything I love, and crossing off item after item on my summer bucket list.

I realized basically two seconds ago while kind of aimlessly staring at my dresser at my favorite photo of me and Essie that failing does not make me a failure; that just because I don’t accomplish every impossible task I set down for myself, I am doing everything I can to the best of my ability, having fun, seeking wisdom, and hopefully growing a bit in the process.

After all, isn’t that what being young is all about? I may be an old biddy at heart, with my affinity for cats and sweaters and completely ancient music, and my tendency to fret endlessly about the people I care about most, and my everpresent grumpiness, but I am me and I am young and because of that I am learning and laughing and loving… and that desire to always seek wisdom, to always be able to laugh at myself and enjoy my life, and my unbridled and unabashed love for my friends and family… that is what’s going to keep me as the most youthful, hip hop & happenin’ old biddy there is for every day of my life.

Thanks for reading & best wishes!
Hero

Awards of Laziness

Written June 6

So I want to blog, but I feel kind of stumped as to what to blog about. Luckily I do have something to jump off of – I’ve been given two blog award things, so I’m gonna do those and you’re gonna like it. So there.

*is the worst*

The first award is the Versatile Blogger Award from Julia over at Julia the Writer Girl.

Like basically ever other award, I have to tell y’all seven things about myself and then nominate other people except I have no friends so maybe I won’t do that part. Here we go.

1. When I was a kid, I really wanted to be a fighter pilot.

2. I have five stuffed animals in my room that I have received from the age of 13 onward; as a result, they all have names like Enthony, Piper, Beau, Schubert, and Chekov.

3. I had my last lesson with my cello teacher of over two years today.

4. I cry a lot more than the average human.

5. I have all the lyrics to this song memorized (in fact, this video is the first suggestion that pops up as I type “youtube” into my URL bar):

You are allowed to judge me.

6. I had a shrine to Artemis Fowl in my old room — in fact, if you look around enough on the blog, you’ll probably find a photo in the background somewhere. Now they books are just on my shelf… but I do still have all of them. 😉

7. When I was a kid, I loved Macbeth.

8. I am of the personal opinion that Roald Dahl books are masterpieces, and I loved all of them as a child.

9. The Pottermore sorting hat would have put me in Gryffindor if it hadn’t put me in Slytherin. (Could you imagine? Me? Gryffindor? There’s a reason I stuck with Slytherin.)

10. Though I consider myself more of a Trekkie now (in every respect except music – Star Trek music can’t even hold a candle to the Star Wars score), I was obsessed with Star Wars when I was younger, and Harrison Ford was my celebrity crush. (I still have kind of a thing for him. I mean, look at this face.)

Written June 18

So I am really bad at this, apparently, but here’s the second part of this post:

Aspirer, from Heavenly Aspirations tagged me in the Scrumptious blog award. 🙂 She asked me these questions – again, as I have no one else to tag, the buck stops here, as it were. 😉

1. How do you like your tea?
Two sugars (Sweet & Low, I know, I’m giving myself cancer) and a dollop of skim milk.
2. Favorite Jane Austen novel?
I’ve actually only ever read Pride and Prejudice – but I love all the stories. Sense & Sensibility is fantastic. 🙂
3. Cellos or violins?
Cello! But I might be… slightly biased.
4. Latin or Greek?
Well, I’ve taken Latin for years and years and I’ve got a soft spot for the Romans, so I have to say Latin. But I’m dying to take Greek – unfortunately my schedule is too full next year. 😦
5. Dream job? (Note that reality does not apply; if you so desired, for example, you could be a librarian in the 1900’s)
My dream job is to be a mom. ❤ But careerwise I’d love to own a bookshop… One with bookshelves all the way up to the ceiling and sliding ladders and mismatched armchairs everywhere. I don’t think it would be possible because independent bookshops are threatened even now – think of in 10 years when I’m out of college? That’s one of my silly dreams.
6. Favorite saint, and why?
Ooh, tough one. I’d have to say Mary. I have a lot of favorite saints, but the Blessed Mother is so much a help to me in my life, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.
7. Would you rather live a short life with death by martyrdom or a long, painstaking life with a natural death?
I’d feel guilty picking either one – because I wouldn’t be picking them for the right reasons. But I’ll say this: neither is better than the other in terms of sanctification… Long & painstaking can equal martyrdom if offered correctly… *but this is a theology lecture for later*
8. Favorite kind of chocolate?
Dark chocolate.
9. Your kind of Prince Charming?
A doofusy one who likes music and reading and intelligent discussion. Basically the absentminded professor type who doesn’t mind dorking around from time to time. 🙂
10. Favorite fictional character?
Jay Gatsby. But you saw that coming.
I’ll try not to post so sporadically but I feel guilty trying to promise anything anymore… Forgive me?
~Hero

Did I Say Tomorrow? Obviously I Meant “Not Tomorrow” (May Report Card)

Oh gosh. Hi. I am the worst. Please hate me.

Now that we have that out of the way, I am going to pretend I don’t keep forgetting to blog & act like everything is totally fine.

Yep. Totally fine. It’s not like I have the biggest cello auditions of my entire high-school career next week, and it’s not like I’m starting with a new teacher – the principal cellist of the symphony – after that… Oh no, that’s not happening, and even if it were I wouldn’t be stressed out about it, of course not… Heh…. Heh…

I’m slowly descending into madness. Don’t mind me.

Hopefully after my auditions, I’ll get back into the regular swing of blogging. I feel slightly hungover from going to see Mahler’s 3rd symphony last night, so please excuse any and all lack of enthusiasm/tired ramblings… I didn’t get much sleep and I have a rather large headache.

Anyway it’s June 1st how did that happen. I’m a bit late on wrapping up my May Report card, but wrap it up I shall… I feel really good about this month; though I can’t remember all my resolutions, so I probably failed one thanks to not being able to actually… remember… it. xP

MAY REPORT CARD

1. Videocall with my friends more often. A! I probably tripled the amount of video calls I did, which was awesome. Getting to see my friends’ faces and voices is so amazing. 🙂 I would give myself an A+, except I never got to do a call with Julia or Kira, so I wasn’t totally successful.

2. Get back into my spiritual reading. F. Big fat F. I probably read one chapter of Interior Castles this entire month. (This must’ve been the resolution I’d forgotten about.)

3. Write my 2013 Summer Bucket list. B – I wrote the bucket list, but I don’t think it’s finished yet. I just don’t have a lot of ideas. Leave comments with fun summer things to do so I don’t spend it watching Phineas and Ferb!

I Sorted My Cello into a Hogwarts House

For the record, I am aware that it’s Wednesday. If you’re worried that I’ve given up the interwebs for Lent again and will once again take a forty-five day hiatus, don’t be. This year I’m just banning tumblr – as well as a few other things I find myself entirely too dependent on (coffee, for one). I don’t really have any excuse for not blogging yesterday except that I hit an emotional speedbump and decided to moan about it instead. [cue rolling about on the floor and whining and being a general Richard II]

This post is sort of a general status update, seeing as I’ve been sort of scattered recently.

Books Challenge

I’m actually ahead of schedule – I’ve read 6 so far. Unfortunately Les Misérables is still on hold until I finish Richard III (the biography not the tragedy) and all these Shakespeare plays I’ve decided to undertake. I have been picking up one of Pope Benedict XVI’s encyclicals every now & again over the past couple days… attempting to cope… failing…

Got this email from Tatiana:

WobblesSo that’s basically what we’ve been reduced to.

Orchestra

We got new music on Sunday. I hated it at first, but it’s growing on me. I’ll just tell you that sight-reading Colas Breugnon by Kabalevsky WITH A SUBSTITUTE CONDUCTOR when you’re already in a foul mood does not endear you to a piece. It really doesn’t.

[Let’s just go ahead and say flat out that I have been in a pretty terrible state over the past couple of days & it’s only getting worse. Gah.]

Anyway, on the subject of orchestra/cello/etc, I’ve decided that Evvy is a Gryffindor. (My last cello was Ravenclaw, and I’ll explain this in a moment…)

DSCN0378

So where the strings of a cello connect to the fine tuners, there’s a covering of thread, most likely so the tuners can grip well enough. My last cello had dark blue and copper-y/gold thread – but Evvy’s scarlet & gold. Gryffindor.

Which explains a lot, actually. Like why she’s so stubborn and temperamental. […okay, I’m… crazy… I know…]

Other Orchestra Stuff

Went to see a friend of mine perform in a Brahms concert with the senior group of my youth orchestra: she was only in a couple of them & I proceeded to feel guilty about enjoying the symphony much more than the chorus. 😛 (I can’t help it! They played Hungarian Dances – three of them!)

I was going to see another Brahms performance tomorrow night, but it fell through. C’est la vie. I’ll probably stay in and spend the evening watching movies instead.

Which reminds me…

Random Stuff I’m Getting Kind of Obsessed With (Running Out of Names for This)

Kaylee’s my favorite so far.

1. Firefly! The classic one-season space-western from Joss Whedon that my friends have been nagging me to watch since the dawn of time. I was originally put off from the show because the pilot episode is kind of… iffy… but I’ve given it another go and am definitely enjoying it so far.

The whole space-western thing confuses me, though: at this point the only things wester about it are the fact that sometimes Zoë says ‘ain’t’ and all the music is very Lone Ranger. I’ve been told it’ll make sense to me later (that and a lot of things), but the stuff I do understand outweighs the stuff I don’t, so I’m okay. (The reverse of that statement is true for Homestuck, by the way. I just… Confused. All the time.)

DSCN0387

Currently…

2. Sudoku. I’ve always liked sudoku – my aunt even gave me an electronic sudoku gizmo (that I have since lost, but it was a while ago) – but I recently found my old barely touched sudoku book and have been obsessively solving puzzles. On the day I found it I tore through eight puzzles in one afternoon. It’s gotten to the point where I can actually walk around the house/have conversations with people while working on a puzzle. (I thought I was so clever at Marian Group for holding it under the table during the meeting… turns out everybody could tell, but nobody cared enough to tell me off about it.)

Photo on 2-13-13 at 3.42 PM

I’ve sticky-tabbed the life out of the blue book…

3. Prayer. 😛 (This is cheating, but I don’t care.) This is your Ash Wednesday reminder that Lent isn’t just about giving up chocolate and waiting for the Easter Bunny. This is one of the first few years that I’ve actually been mature enough to go deeper during Lent, and I’m actually excited to take advantage of this prayer-intensive time. I’ve bookmarked all my favorite prayers in With Mary in Prayer (blue for rough times/things going wrong, pink for prayers for the journey onward, yellow asking for help and guidance, and orange for the night prayer) and I’m going to try and keep it on me and take a few minutes every now and again throughout the day to ask for that guidance and that grace that I so desperately need. Also, the Divine Mercy Chaplet is my new best friend. I started saying it daily for Morgann because I offered it to her for her spiritual bouquet on her birthday – we said it together at the silent retreat we went on, so it holds special meaning in our heart. After the week of the chaplet I’d promised was over, I found myself gravitating back to it. It’s short enough that I always have time to fit it in somewhere and literally can’t make any excuses not to pray it, yet it’s still profound and deeply calming in its rhythm.

4. Shakespeare Uncovered on PBS.  As I mentioned a couple posts ago, some of the girls in my history class are reading the Henriad & Richard III to supplement our history texts this session. As much as I love Shakespeare, sometimes it can be hard for me to get into the plays – a lot of times I don’t understand who relates to who and it takes me ages to understand what the heck is going on. At the same time, I abjectly refuse to watch the movie before I read the play: that’s cheating. 😉 So the other day while searching around online for Ben Whishaw’s rendition of Richard II (very good, by the way, I’d put The Hollow Crown on my list of new obsessions, except it just ties into this), I found PBS’s Shakespeare Uncovered. What they do is go deeper into the plays, find the history and the meaning in it, and give you a broad understanding of the play. Watching this gave me ground to stand on when I went back to the play, and made the reading infinitely easier. If I finish my history work tonight, this is my reward. 🙂

5. Oh my goodness this post goes on forever… Okay… Last one: pictures! I spent a good chunk of time today picking out pictures of me and my friends to fill this plethora of picture frames I found. I’m hoping to hang them around my room so I can remind myself of the people who care about me and make me smile, even when I’m feeling grumpy. (Though usually they’re the ones who’re making me grumpy, so… *smacked*)

Okay, this is far enough – I need to wrap up and go back to my history work. If you read thus far, give yourself a pat on the back. You earned it.

Best wishes,
Hero

P.S. Remind me on Friday to tell you guys about the ‘things I’m freaking out about’ category that I decided to cut. 😛

Save ALL the babies!

Disclaimer: I’m emotionally volatile today. Perhaps this post can explain why.

Today in Washington D.C., an estimated 500,000 people have gathered to defend the rights of those who cannot defend themselves: the unborn.

Since Roe v. Wade was passed 40 years ago in 1973, 55 million unborn children have been ripped from their mothers’ wombs. That’s 55 million babies killed. One third of my generation is missing because of abortion. That’s completely unacceptable.

As I write this, the March for Life is going on. In addition to being an awesome witness for the strength and the resolve of the pro-life community, the March for Life also happens to be a magical event where almost all of my best school friends from all over the country come together – not only to march, but also for a dance, and lots of fun times being doofuses at the hotel… Most importantly, they’re together.

I’m in the peculiar situation of having some of my closest friends being miles and miles away. I’ve never met any of them. Because my homeschool curriculum has classes online and a community of students that exists on the internet, you find it possible – through the wonders of email, Skype, and cell-phones – to cultivate meaningful friendships without seeing the other person face to face.

This is awesome, but it has its drawbacks. Drawback number one? Not seeing them face to face. The main reason I feel so sad today is because so many of my friends are in D.C. together this weekend – not only did Morgann fly up on Wednesday, but two of the sweetest, greatest girls ever are there, some of my fellow moderators on our forum as well as a plethora of our members; and lest I forget, the greatest, most infuriating guy of all time – Nick. I never thought I’d say this, but I am supremely disappointed that he’s not getting to make fun of my ice cream addiction IRL.

I think the worst thing is that I almost got to go. I was so close; but even though I am first and foremost a Catholic and the pro-life cause is so important, I do have a responsibility and have made a commitment to my orchestra. Our next concert is next week and I couldn’t miss our rehearsal to go to the March. I know now, as this week is playing out, that I made the right decision in not going, but that doesn’t make me miss my friends any less.

Still, I am turning out to support life. Tomorrow I’m heading up to the rally here in my state with the usual gang. My brother and I have made posters (they’re Doctor Who themed, because we’re nerds). I’m excited – we always have a blast on the bus ride up and we’re headed to a party afterward, so that’s even better.

Photo on 1-25-13 at 3.10 PM

(My brother’s)
Photo on 1-25-13 at 3.11 PM

(Mine)

As exciting and compelling as the various marches and rallies are, they are still a hugely sad event. Thinking about it has been the second reason why I keep bursting into tears today. We’re fighting because there’s a genocide sweeping our nation and our world. We’re murdering millions of innocents – the most innocent creature there is: an unborn child who cannot survive outside the womb – and it’s totally legal. I just don’t understand how the heck that’s okay. I really don’t.

I leave you with a few quotes:

“To assert that a human being is only present once a specific anatomic landmark has been achieved is absurd. The argument is analogous to pointing at a construction site where the foundation has been dug but no concrete yet has been poured, and asserting, “Clearly there is no building company involved in this, because there isn’t yet a structure sufficient to be called a ‘building.’ We must wait until at least six stories have been completed.” This argument confuses the product of construction with the existence of an agent capable of doing the construction. If we must wait until a certain level of structure exists before we conclude a builder/contractor is present, how do we explain all of the many orderly events that occur prior to this point? Does the organized assembly of concrete, girders, glass, wire, pipes, and countless other components just happen spontaneously?

Analogously, does a collection of human cells just so happen to put together eyes, fingers, internal organs, and countless other structures in a coherent, integrated manner, and then wait for “consciousness” to breathe life into this amalgam of random parts? Clearly, this is an argument that cannot be rationally maintained in the face of factual evidence.”

– The Science and Politics of Personhood

“Lord Jesus,

You who faithfully visit and fulfill with your Presence the Church and the history of men; You who in the miraculous Sacrament of your Body and Blood render us participants in divine Life and allow us a foretaste of the joy of eternal Life; We adore and bless you.

Prostrated before You, source and lover of Life, truly present and alive among us, we beg you.

Reawaken in us respect for every unborn life, make us capable of seeing in the fruit of the maternal womb the miraculous work of the Creator, open our hearts to generously welcoming every child that comes into life.

Bless all families, sanctify the union of spouses, render fruitful their love.

Accompany the choices of legislative assemblies with the light of your Spirit,so that peoples and nations may recognize and respect the sacred nature of life, of every human life.

Guide the work of scientists and doctors, so that all progress contributes to the integral well-being of the person, and no one endures suppression or injustice.

Give creative charity to administrators and economists, so they may realize and promote sufficient conditions so that young families can serenely embrace the birth of new children.

Console the married couples who suffer because they are unable to have children and in Your goodness provide for them.

Teach us all to care for orphaned or abandoned children, so they may experience the warmth of your Charity, the consolation of your divine Heart.

Together with Mary, Your Mother, the great believer, in whose womb you took on our human nature, we wait to receive from You, our Only True Good and Savior, the strength to love and serve life, in anticipation of living forever in You, in communion with the Blessed Trinity.”

– Pope Benedict XVI’s Prayer for the Unborn

Also, you should read this.

Love and prayers go out to all of you in D.C. today. To my friends who are there, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart that I’m not with you.

Best wishes,
Hero