[An entry from my journal, written the day after I turned sixteen; October 2012]
So yesterday I turned sixteen. I feel really strange; like I just crossed the threshold of this new era of my life. I’ve been thinking a lot about what my goals for myself are, and what I hope to become in my new era.
I originally said that I want to grow into being a lady, but I realize now that it’s more than that. I want to be a saint – like, really. You’re always hearing that we’re called to be saints, but it’s always seemed sort of abstract, and something you only sort of think about. But I want to live as a saint. Every day to get up, hit the floor, and live every single day in a way I can be satisfied with. Be a saint, every day. I want that, so desperately do I want that. I want to be that woman whose feet hit the floor in the morning and Satan says, “Oh, no, she’s up.”
At the same time, I do want to be a lady. I want to be classy, put-together, and polite. I want to mature as the young woman God created me to be. I want to be a ladylike saint. I want to be classically holy. I want to fight evil for Christ, with a rosary in my hands, wearing high heels and red lipstick.
I long and strive for poise and holiness. My goal is to grow in my relationship with God: to pray more, to have a dialogue with him. I want to become graceful: a mature, capable young woman with elegance and poise.
It sounds like an impossible but dream, but I know – I can feel it in my bones, in this longing I have always had – that this is who I am supposed to be. I have always wanted to be this woman: now is the time for me to become her.
Some news on the homefront for you all:
1) Fulton is off the ventilator! They’ve weaned him from the sedatives so it’s just morphine and an anti-anxiety drug now. That means he’s awake, is uncomfortable and is more aware of what is going on. This is such good news, thank you for your continued prayers.
2) I’m getting a new cello teacher in May or June, and I’m so nervous about it that my hands are sweating as I type this. I already work my butt off at this instrument and I’m only going to have to work harder with my new teacher – I just hope I can live up to expectations and do my absolute best. I kind of have to. I really have to.
3) I’m exhausted. Not sure how this is news, but… there.
4) Also I’m reading Les Misérables, and… I really like it. Really like it – I didn’t think I would, I thought it’d be impossible, but I’m finding it super enjoyable.
Have a lovely Sunday evening! I plan to spend mine with my journal and some classical music (as if I haven’t had enough of that).
Best wishes and much love,