I know I’m not supposed to be blogging until tomorrow, but I’m still getting out of the Wednesday/Sunday swing of things, so it feels weird not to have blogged in so many days. I’m so out of it right now… There are so many things I want to complain about. Maybe I should put this in my journal instead of on my blog, but y’all are here for the good, the bad, and the ugly, so bear with me.
I’ve been reading this really cute blog that’s always really upbeat and inspirational, and I’m over here with my big, puffy, hideous face and my greasy hair and my pajamas and just feel so blah. I mean, granted, I got my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday, so nobody expects me to be skipping about in a meadow with an iced coffee and classic novel, singing about the sunshine and flipping my perfect hair.
Because that’s how I am usually, right?
Anyway, my cheeks are swollen to the point that I look like Winston Churchill, my diet consists of mush and pudding and mashed potatoes and mac and cheese and yogurt. Yesterday I sneaked a chocolate chip – I opened poor, chubby little mouth as far open as possible (which is not very far), and set the chocolate chip on my tongue and let it melt there.
At which point I felt depressed.
I’m all drugged up, all I want to do is sleep, but instead I have to do chemistry and help clean the house because we’re trying to sell it/rent it/whatever. I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror: from chin-up I look like someone on The Biggest Loser. It’s embarrassing. I just want to cry.
The problem is, I’m sitting here holding myself to this stupid, impossible standard by reading all these happy blogs about people who have this really active spiritual life and read all these good books and smile all the time. I can’t expect myself to dress fabulously all the time and eat healthily and be upbeat about everything and do all these bible study whatevers that I can’t do. I mean, I should journal. Yes. I should pray more. Yes. I should do many many things besides cramming Kraft mac-and-cheese into my swollen mouth and attempting to stab my Latin book with all these stupid broken pencils that my stupid broken pencil sharpener keeps breaking.
But I can’t right now. Nobody expects me to. I feel like crap. So right now, it’s okay for me to just sit here and feel like crap. I’m offering up my suffering, like Angela, our Marian Group leader, told me I should, but I’m still suffering, with a big old scowl on my big swollen hideous mug.
Because I can’t drink peppy iced coffee because I currently am FORBIDDEN FROM UTILIZING A STRAW.
I’m gonna go shove some more mac and cheese at my face and take another ibuprofen. Maybe more drugs will make me less inept at chemistry.